A midsummer Night's Dream...

After being asked to write a reflection once my senior English class finished Shakespeare's play, A Midsummer Night's Dream I decided that I actually liked reading this play. We got to vote on if we would rather read A Midsummer Night's Dream or Macbeth, I'm glad we read A Midsummer Night's Dream because it was a comedy not a tragedy. I really like the poetic language in A Midsummer Night's Dream and how it represented and reveled love. I really liked the way that in the end, everyone was happy even after they faced so many difficulties to get to that happiness. Shakespeare is a genius with the way he uses symbols, especially the love potion, when he expresses the crazy things people do as a love potion.

Waiting...

I'm not sure if this is my earliest memory, I'm not sure how old I was exactly at this moment but this is a memory. I was very young between 2 and 4, sitting on the brown carpet mashing colorful blocks together building something, though I'm not sure what. The screen door was open, and a faint breeze was blowing in. I remember everyone was sad, and had been for a while, I remember it was my first feelings of being lonely, though I wasn't sure why I felt that way. I heard a car pull into the drive way and jumped up, scattering my blocks around where I was sitting. I climbed up the teal colored couch, stabbing my little fingers into the fabric and pulling myself up the back of the couch toward the window seal. I grabbed the curtains and pushed them away from the window, pushed my face against the cool glass, and screamed "Uncle Danny". My mom came running from the kitchen, stumbling past the blocks. At this point I realized it was not my Uncle Danny pulling in our drive way, and it hadn't been the last few times someone came to visit. My mother scooped my little body up into her arms and held me close. I felt her warm tears against my face, which caused me to start crying.
At that point I didn't understand death, and didn't realize my Uncle was not coming over to visit anymore, not that day, and not ever. My mom brings this up when she gets upset about missing family that has passed away, because she thinks it's a good example of how we all feel inside. Still waiting for someone to pull in the driveway and get out of that car, and just not be dead anymore. Sometimes, we just keep on waiting, and that someone just never shows up.

Camille..

Camille is a beautiful girl, she's artistic, and funny, and out of the ordinary. She seems so comfortable in her skin, even though because she's my best friend, but I know shes not. It's okay that she's not she doesn't have to be, I still think she's great.

I've always had this issue with girls, never wanted a girl best friend, but the day I met her, that changed everything. It's really amazing how we don't have to say a word but can just be in the silence and that is okay, things are okay just like that. I like being able to sit with her completely quite and know exactly what she's feeling. I know if she needs to talk if she wants to just be let alone. Sometimes I have to cover for her and pretend she's okay when I know she isn't, and she doest have to tell me this, I just know.

Timmy..

My best guy friend in the world, he's probably the goofiest guy I have ever met but he is awesome. I like how in our relationship we can just talk about anything, what ever we want to talk about and it's alright, because we will never judge one another. We are always open with one another and okay to talk about anything.
The best thing about this relationship we have, is that his girlfriend is my best friend, and he is my boyfriends best friend, so we have this extreme comfort with one another. So it's not just me and him that have this comfort with one another is this group of the four of us.

Kyle..

Kyle is my boyfriend, and pretty much my number one best friend. I know he is always there for me when I need a shoulder to lean on, and will always answer my 2 am calls when I wake up from a nightmare. It's pretty great knowing I have him around, and I'm not gonna sit here and say, "and we will be together forever and ever", because sure I would like for it to turn out that way, but I'm not so stupid to believe that things can never change, or something can't go wrong. But as of Today I can say, I love having him around, I love having him with me. He helps to keep me calm. He helps to make me stop stressing out, and to just calm and see the beauty of the day.
I can't believe how lucky I really am to have him in my life, even if it's just for a while, I'm going to enjoy every moment it. I love him, I really do. Things with him seem perfect, even though every once in a while we get into little spats over stupid things. I just know having him here with me means things will be alright.

Fondant...

So I have been planning on moving out after graduation with my boyfriend and our best friend. I'm excited about being able to have the freedom I want to do things I want to do. The first thing I have decided is to kick it up a gear on my baking side and learn how to work with Fondant. I think this will be lots of fun, and I know I will have my friends over a lot to eat all the cupcakes I'll make and practice all the things I learn, they will be like my little taste testers. Plus the main thing I want to do with them once I get the hang of working with the fondant is to take them to people, like the ladies at the nursing home I volunteer at, or the families I go to Church with. I just want to be able to give them to people to see the little smiles they put on someones face. I like that feeling of knowing I helped to make someone have a good day.

Untold Love Story (Song) (Version 2)

Writing my dreams
of a thousand wishes
for an untold love story
that will never come true

I can still taste your beauty
on the tip of my tongue
from our secret love sessions
the sound of your voice
playing vividly
in the back of my head
Still wishing I didnt have to let you go
and find your way back to his bed

Im left here waiting
for you to return
whipping the sparkle of love
from my eyes once more
to face yet another day
and your still not mine
Trying to remember only makes it worse
In those eyes
I saw only hate and anger

I tried to make it through alone
Thought I could get back up after goodbye
All the remembering is making it worse
this won’t end until someone else gets hurt

Untold Love Story (Song) (Version 1)

Writing my dreams
Of a thousand wishes
An untold love story
That will never come true

I can still taste your beauty
On the tip of my tongue
Remembering back to when we had love
The sound of your voice
Still playing vividly in the back of my head
Still wishing I didn’t find you
On your back in his bed
I will always remember
Those last lies you said

all this pain has added up
Trying to remember only makes it worse
in those eyes
I saw only hate and anger
For all the mistakes we made
Still just to get you back
I'm doing what ever it takes
all the pain has added up
Trying to remember only makes it worse
In those eyes
I saw only hate and anger

I tried to make it through alone
Thought I could get back up after goodbye
All the remembering is making it worse
this won’t end until someone else gets hurt

Say Our Goodbyes (Song)

We’ve walked through Heaven and Hell
Just to say our goodbyes
GOODBYE

I’m Laying here Sick and Alone,
On the Floor,
Cold wind blowing through the open door,
So you're really gone?" I whisper to myself,
YOUR REALLY GONE THIS TIME
Picking up the Shattered picture frame just to put it back on the shelf

Oh, I never thought that we'd end up like this
(end up like this)
Like some romance novel with a sickly twist
SICKLY TWIST
How could I have not seen this coming towards me
There where so many signs I shouldn’t have missed
I SHOULDN’T HAVE MISSED I SHOULDN’T HAVE MISSED THIS
I shouldn’t have missed
YOU’RE GONE! YOU’RE GONE!
Say goodbye goodbye tonight

Oh, I never thought that we'd end up like this
Like some romance novel with a sickly twist
SICKLY
How could I have not seen this coming towards me
There were so many signs I shouldn’t have missed
I SHOULDN’T HAVE MISSED I SHOULDN’T HAVE MISSED THIS
I shouldn’t have missed

Why am I here without you
FORVER WITH OUT YOU
Learning to face all these days alone
SO ALONE
Guess I could have tried a little harder
Then maybe I could’ve kept you coming home
I dry this last tear from my eye
THE LAST TEAR FALLS TONIGHT
Knowing the time has finally come
To say our goodbyes

Catastrophic Dreamland (song)

We’re entering a catastrophic dreamland
We’ve seemed to have
Misplaced the game plan
And we’re not quite sure
If love and pain go hand in hand

So gather you strength
Wear it through the day
Come on baby, let’s get out and play

The path is getting smaller
Our hearts are beating faster
The day is almost over
Somehow someway I’m blocking out
The voices on my shoulder

I’m always here for you
There’s no need to panic
Let me settle your fears
Give me your hand
Don’t worry my dear

So gather you strength
Wear it through the day
Come on baby, lets get out and play

So gather you strength
Wear it through the day
Come on baby, lets get out and play

Corn..

" Then we'll take a long walk through the corn field

And I'll kiss you between the ears
If you're my girl, swirl me around your room with feeling
And as we twirl, the glow in the dark stars on your ceiling
Will shine for us, as love sweeps over the room
'Cause we tend to make each other blush, you make me blush "

So I started out today in a quest to find something I saw peaceful as peaceful searching for something to be my little piece of calm on my most stressful days. I was thinking of Corn Fields, I know they don't seem all too beautiful, or spectacular, but to me they have this calming effect. I think the beauty I find in corn fields is because I can relate them to the summer. In the summer I can ignore all of the people I have to deal with during the school year, I can get int the passenger seat of my boyfriends truck, and drive with warm wind blowing against my skin. I just can't wait for the summer since the stress of the school year is starting to build up and I'm so ready to explode into the summer.

Dad's...

I guess some people would say I am pretty fortunate to have to Dads, sometimes I think its more of a curse than some sort of luck.
Dad #1: My biological father, the one who gave me life, who helped raise me, or at least tried to help raise me until I was about 10 years old, than would be part of my life off and on for the following 8 years of my life. He is mostly inconsiderate, knows how to manipulate people into believing that he is this wonderful guy, when in all reality he's not.
Dad #2: My moms boyfriend, not even my step-father, just this guy, the best father figure I have ever known. The one who helps my mom raise us, help pay the bills to keep us alive and happy. The guy who is willing to put himself on the line for me, the one who wants to teach me, and will do anything just to know I'm alright. My hero.

So for the last 8 years I have had these two dads, well, more or less one dad, one guy I got the occasional phone call from, and for 3 years, the occasional letter from prison. Two guys some 800 miles or so apart, both of them I love dearly. Anyways my point is, I think about things all the time, and I start to wonder, who is going to be my "dad" during this event or that event in my life. How am I going to explain to people I meet that I have these two dads, because my mom and her boyfriend aren't even married. I just worry about hurting my real dad's feeling when it comes to my wedding when I ask some guy who is not even blood related to me, or even by marriage to walk me down the isle, to have that father daughter dance with me. How do I explain this to the guy who gave me life.

Sick..

I hate how my parents have that ability to make me sick to my stomach, make me feel guilty for nothing. They act like I've dont something terriable, and simply say "we are going to have a family talk" which is also known as we are going to drink a little too much then tell you all of your faults in life, and make you feel like a complete failure. So last night I got home from church and all my dad said was "dont rush off tomorrow after school, were going to have a family talk" and since then I have been unable to eat, I've bitten off all of my fingernails. My stomach is twisted in knots, and I feel like I really need to puke. The worst part is I normally can think of at least one thing they are upset about, like I forgot to shut a door, or I didn't wash dishes, or I have been gone all weekend. This time I can't come up with anything, I don't know any reason they have a problem, no reason that something is wrong. So not only am I sitting here sick to my stomach, I'm sitting here nervious and losing my mind because I can't even prepare myself this time.

Warm Feelings & Sidewalk Chalk...

I love sidewalk chalk is like a pure rush of enjoyment to draw something in a parking lot, snap a picture, and just leave. I've always thought this would be a awesome thing to do, write something inspirational in chalk then leave, hoping I have inspired someone to smile. I did this in my church parking lot yesterday, and as I heard people chattering about it as they walked in a warm feeling came over me. Then as I was leaving I watched a woman who is the mother of one of the girls I go to church with, walk out to her car, look at the words I had written on the ground and a huge smile filled her face, and it looked like she too had that warm feeling come over her. I felt good knowing I could pass that feeling on to others.

If I could do anything today...

To Do List:
1) Blow bubbles out the car window as I ride down a country road.
2) Lay in the grass and watch the clouds
3) Write my future in side walk chalk; then wait for the rain.
4) Dance in the rain to the music in my head.
5) Watch the sunset.
6) Catch lighting bugs in a mason jar.
7) Fall asleep to the sound of the crickets.